It’s been so long since I’ve sat down to write that it’s hard to find a place to start. Periodically throughout my day stuff comes up in my head (memories) or happens and it feels so necessary to record it. It feels urgent, even. Then, when night falls I’m too tired to sit in front of the computer. As a person who needs to write to keep sane, this really sucks. However, I’m hanging in there and can say without having to write a book documenting the month of December, that this Christmas has been the absolute best Christmas of my entire life.
As Max is getting older this time of year is becoming so incredibly special. I didn’t grow up in a big family and many of my childhood memories of Christmas are marred by my parent’s fighting. Seems this time of year was very stressful for them – and understandably so. With their marriage slowly falling apart, financial struggles, and my mother’s mental health on a steady decline the holidays were not a good time of year for me growing up. I always tried to pretend that I didn’t feel the tension in the air or hear the late night shouting matches as I opened the gifts with a smile on my face and excitement in my voice, but I always knew what was going on. Kids know.
Having Max and Bella is giving me the opportunity to recreate the holidays and bring beautiful memories about for myself as well as my whole family (including my parents). It’s quite exciting, really. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I can’t believe how fucking lucky I am to have all that I do. And I’m not talking about owning property or a car. I’m talking about the amount of love that I feel in my life. I’m talking about having a great relationship with my husband. I’m talking about things like having a space to really be myself – whether I’m happy or sad, angry or excited. Sure, I’m thankful for all the “stuff” I have – no doubt about that – but mostly I’m thankful for my family and this life I’ve created.
Now that the holidays are almost over and my due date (January 27th) is quickly approaching I have gone into hyper-nesting mode. I’ve got so much to do before Bella gets here – stuff I’ve had on my “To Do” list for months – and I’m just now feeling like doing it all.
My To Do List:
Clean out under main bathroom sink. Put contact paper down there. Move items that are in the linen closet into that cabinet. Clean out linen closet. Move linens from Max & Bella’s closet into linen closet. Organize Bella’s clothes. Move Hal’s clothes out of ugly dresser into closet baskets. Clean out ugly dresser. Call to have ugly dresser picked up and taken away.
- Clean area where ugly dresser once occupied.
Ask in-laws if they can buy us a dresser for the kids (I hate to do this but I know they would love to have the opportunity to help us out – we rarely ask them for anything. I can’t even remember what the last thing we asked them for was -it has been that long)They said yes! Clean out crib Wash all crib linens.
- Purge some of Max’s toys.
- Buy some shelves to hold/better organize the kid’s toys.
- Clean out closet in master bedroom.
- Set up master bedroom’s sink area as a changing area for Bella.
Buy new linens (ours are about 10 years old!). Buy storage cabinets for all of our media stuff that is now being stored in our bedroom closet. Purge books
A couple of these things Hal will have to help me with but for the most part… this is stuff that I have to do if I want it done. My energy level is picking up a little but I still can only do one or two things a day. I’m now waking up every 1-2 hours at night to pee – Bella must have moved down onto my bladder a little more. She is still in position to be born (head-down) so I’m very happy about that. I can tell she has gotten bigger, too, because her feet are now kicking a little higher than they were last month.