Mama Rage.

First off…

Happy Winter Solstice! And yay!!! Laura went into labor today!!

Next…

A friend recently mentioned to me in observation, not criticism, that despite what is going on with Bella’s skin (health problem) I seem to be handling it in stride. On some levels, I would agree. That would be on the surface and the level slightly below. On a  level slightly below slightly below the surface, I am racked with guilt and grief.

In the most darkest moments, there are times when I wonder if having a second baby was the best choice for me. I imagine how easy life would be right now if I only had Max to care for and love. I get agitated when I hear Bella scratching because I know there is nothing I can do to make the itch go away. I get angry when awakened in the middle of the night by her fussing because I believe if her skin health wasn’t compromised that both she and I would be sleeping blissfully through the night (something I have not experienced since my third trimester of pregnancy with Max, three years ago). I get so depressed because it feels like I am doing so much for her… and I just wish she would heal already. All this makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like a horrible person. A self centered woman.

I have to question why I feel so bad for just acknowledging HOW I FEEL. I mean, I not only experience these difficult-to-acknowledge emotions, but I feel an incredibly deep well of love for Bella, a bottomless well. On the deepest of levels, I always feel a magical love for her. It is what motivates and guides me. If this connection wasn’t present, I don’t think I could be doing all that I am for her skin.

Going on a rant because I have been reading, “Gyn/Ecology: The Metaethics Of Radical Feminism,” a book that was recently [timely] given to me…

There is a creepy myth that has been created by men that mothers should always happily be self-sacrificing and loving towards their children. That if we utter any dissatisfaction with our children [if we speak of our real experiences with mothering] that we are dooming/hurting ourselves, and more importantly to the emotive power of the myth – our children. I think the internalization of this myth is self imposed martyrdom, self hatred, and the constant guilt of not living up to the myth. Or worst, isolation from other mothers while feeling that in order to relate we have to have the same parenting philosophies.

The lack of a safe space to speak honestly of our full spectrum of experiences with mothering only tangles us even tighter to the irrationality of the myth by giving us a motive to deceive ourselves and others about our true experiences. It is a vicious cycle of abiding by a standard that wasn’t even created by mothers.

It is important to me to have the space to speak of my true experiences with mothering. I have worked hard to surround myself with powerful women who can hear and speak of the truth. I feel strongly that all women are able to speak their truth if given a safe space to do so. It makes me angry that it is so much work to create these bonds with other women. And yes, I blame patriarchy for this difficulty. I blame men.

About Bella again…

I am not an altruistic person by nature [I don't believe anyone is] yet doing what I am doing for Bella is an act of altruism. The fact is, NO ONE can do for Bella what I am doing for her. The fact is, I have to do it without hearing her praise and I have to do it alone – the same as I gave birth to her alone. The fact is, I can not do it with a smile on my face.

I drift in and out of resentment towards Bella’s skin (this often mixes with resentment towards Bella). I really need to not waste to much time feeling guilty for this. This resentment I have felt is temporary. When she looks up at me with her big almond-shaped brown eyes, I know her love and my anger is reminded of my love – it happens this way all the time.

Being a mama is such a bag of mixed goodies.

PS: BaoBao’s skin is improving. Slowly, but still improving.

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Regarding the Christmas Fairy…

I’m happy to say… he hasn’t even noticed over half of his toys are missing. Whew.

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I’m going to be in big trouble with Bossman, but it’s worth it.

The Christmas Fairy just left and took with her two bags of Max’s old toys – all of them plastic and made in China. Most of them were dinosaurs. I hope he understands (yeah right). Today is going to be tough but I really want to teach him that he doesn’t need a lot of toys to play and have fun. I want to show him how to use his imagination – something I have only done in small ways up to this point.

This is going to be hard because our entire culture and a few well meaning relatives are against me on this one. I am okay with some plastic toys in the house but come on… two garbage bags full of plastic crap??? I’ve gotta put my foot down somewhere on this issue and today it just went down.

This is probably the last photo that will be taken for a while that shows Max liking his mommy. *Sigh*

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The hill was heading down!

The irony of listening to, Crass – Penis Envy, while doing housework is far from lost on me.

I’m eagerly awaiting the new designed, Fuzzi Bunz, to reach their distributors. Bella has been wearing Max’s FB’s. They are too big and the elastic around the legs is shot. Bella is in serious need of her own cloth nappies.

For a short time this morning I feared that my calm outlook on the daily grind (home with the kids) was already heading downhill and taking a turn for the worst. Bella was crawling after me for about 30 minutes while I attempted to quickly pick up the junk all over the floor. Then, she was itching like crazy and as per usual, protested the ritual of changing her nappy and caring for her skin. This protesting = pain for me because it is my right hand that hurts the worst. My right hand is the one she aims for when kicking.

She was so crabby that I was sure I’d have to spend the rest of my “free-time” (what a joke!) holding her. To people living without chronic pain, this may seem easy and ideal. For me, carrying her is painful.

I feel bad typing this all out but in addition to what I just wrote, I have to admit to myself that I don’t spend nearly as much time one on one with Bella as I was able to do with Max. Nor do I wish too. Don’t get me wrong, the time I spend with her everyday, one on one, just playing is delightful (all 10 minutes of it). I just can’t – and don’t want to – do it as much as I did with Max. I really need to work on carving out “Bella and Me” time. Also, (to continue the grumbling) her skin issues suck the life out of me. I get so depressed at night when she wakes up scratching.

After a freak out period this morning, after calling Hal and crabbing at him for leaving me with a messy house (for a moment there, it was all his fault), I gave Bella a sippy cup of water and she instantly stopped following me around. I immediately called Hal back to let him know that order had been restored.

Whew. The ride downhill was a short one.

Now, I better get back upstairs before Bella’s content in the playpen turns ugly.

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It was pushed into my heart thanks to a missed turn.

Gifts during the year come in many forms. It just seem extra special when they arrive during the month of December. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m starting to become very interested in food again. In the beginning, having such an ungawdly restricted diet depressed the hell out of me. Now, I’m feeling pretty f’ing excited about the taste of whole foods (you know, vegetables, grains, beans) and have begun to see my eating habits as more of a part of life than a “restricted diet.” Come to find out, flavor was not as easily available to my buds with the high sugar/preservative/processed foods vegetarian lifestyle I had pre-Bella.

While driving from Max’s preschool to Bella’s acupuncture appointment I missed my turn and happened upon a local produce market. Score! Then, as I’m excitedly telling a friend about said market, she informs me of another market that is local and organic. Double score!

Mind you, knowing about the importance of eating healthfully isn’t new for me. However, wanting to eat healthy and conscientiously is a completely new desire. It’s not that I have been unaware of the two concepts working together. It’s more like I have never really put it on my list of, “This Is Important To Me – Important Enough To Drive Thirty Minutes For It.”

I’m very excited to check out this place, Saturday morning (I love that the site has a crop schedule). All the produce is grown right on the farm that sells it. I think I’ll try to drag my whole family out there!

The gift for me [better than just having the information in my head… if that makes any sense?] came in the form of Awareness. Awareness about Earth and the importance of a community’s connection, just hit a little closer to home.

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As soon as I announce it’s breaktime… I find the inspiration to make a post.

Backyard privacy is a symptom of suburban living. I sit in the rocking chair as Max plays in the dirt and Bella swings feeling like someone, anyone, could watch me and I wouldn’t know it. It makes me want to plant bushes around the fence so no one can see in. This paranoia is faceless and I’m not sure I like it.

Then I think about it. I am exposed and it must seem delightful to my homebound elderly neighbors to see a woman interact with her children so freely. To look out their window and witness a woman telling her son a story and the excitement on his face as she weaves the words into another world. To see children so content and playful around their mother is a gift. I love watching people who seem happy, too.

So I’m torn and left fantasizing about living on a few acres of land where the only eyes on me is Nature’s.

Backyard privacy is a symptom of suburban living and the cure is to move out into the country.

I think I will have to plant some tall bushes.

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I’m going to take a little break (that started a while ago) from posting. I will most likely pop in to share a picture or an update. Life is busy right now with the holidays, Max’s new school (which means my new found [semi] free time), and Bella’s acupuncture treatments.

I’m making a point to make daily trips to the floor with Max so he feels like he’s leading play or like we’re doing things co-operatively. I used to do this all the time before having Bella but fell out of it while trying to find my rhythm with two children. Rhythm, I’m finding, always changes.

I’ve also started telling stories that I [or we] make up as we go along, both of the children love that – Max often preferring a story over a book. Our relationship has grown into this really rewarding and harmonious thing. I think the key is to take the time to just be. with. the. kids. Easier said than done, let me tell you. And having Max in a home preschool that we both LOVE helps in so many good ways. Oh such good stuff is happening.

Bella also learns a lot by watching how the family interacts – especially me with Max and Papa. It has become a fine habit to include Bella in everything. She lets me know when she needs something and seems so happy to just be with us – in mama’s arms of-course.

I think I’m starting to get interested, again, in cooking. That passion has been on sabbatical for a few years now. As my chef of a husband can tell you.

Now, I say this next part knowing I have, like, only five readers. Beautiful, sexy, smart readers at that…

As life has started to get busier, I can’t help but to feel grateful to you for sharing this space with me. Your comments and support have gotten me through some very difficult times this year. I used to be quite cynical about the whole world of blogging but not anymore. This world has become another form of community for me. I thank you for that. Even if you don’t comment I know you are reading and I appreciate your presence.

There is no doubt that this year has been challenging (at best) and downright painful (at worst). However, I’m on the upswing and feeling good and normal again. Bella is seeing the acupuncturist that I used to see when I was pregnant with Max. Dr. Han helped manage my pain with RA so I have a lot of faith in her methodology of practicing Chinese medicine/acupuncture/herbs. Oh, and Bella doesn’t mind the needles at all. They only stay in for a few seconds.

I have three bags of wild looking Chinese herbs upstairs on the stove waiting to be boiled and chilled for use on BaoBao’s skin. I’m also taking herbs orally to benefit both BaoBao and myself. I needed some help with stress because there has been a few times while I was up in the middle of the night with an itchy baby that I felt as if I was slipping over the edge. I am in shock over how much better I feel after taking these herbs for only a couple of weeks. I have more faith in Chinese medicine than Western – though I do believe there is a time and place for both.

I am in a deep space right now regarding the work of being mindful. Not deep as in, “whoa, that is so deep, dude.” I mean, deep as in I can’t put words to it but I know I’m in it because I feel like myself. I feel calm even when irritated. I feel happy even when doing nothing. I’m also learning so much from Max right now because I’ve finally figured out how to listen to him. This in and of itself is blowing my mind.

So on that note, I wish all of you a lovely holiday season filled with many moments of intuitive living.

See you next year!

Love,

Michelle

P.S. This may sound strange since my son is three years old, but… I no longer see being a mom as my “job.” You know, as something I do instead of what I am. Being a mom is who I am. Just the same as I am a woman, I am a mom. And I love my mom-self. She is quite amazing.

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Grieving the loss of a friend.

I do have many wonderful things happening in my life right now but feel like I need to get something else out…

There is a thick fog – it calls me like a beacon while pushing others away.
Silently you sit deep within.
I know you are shouting but I can’t see the right words and you are sitting so still.
Through the numbness I hear you speaking to me, laughing with me, reminiscing with me.
I want to see you again,
to know who you have become,
to know that you have become.
I wish for you to become the woman I thought you’d be.
The woman we talked about you being.
In silence I wait for your visits welcoming the short bursts of your stay.
I cry in grief when the fog rolls into place.
I will never forget the woman that I loved even though I left her too many years ago.
Even though long before I left, she left me.

My birthday is coming up. So is Monica’s. She was exactly two years and one month older than me. Her son’s birthday just passed on October 17th. I can’t believe that I am so sad. I know that might sound dumb but grieving is new to me and is catching me off guard.

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