Archive for December, 2006

Birthday Shmurthday.

Today is my birthday. I’m 32 years old. Birthdays just aren’t that exciting as you get older. Or maybe its because I haven’t the energy to do anything exciting? That’s probably more of what it is.

Some friends of mine offered to throw a little shin-ding for me but I just wasn’t feeling it. I have so much stuff going on right now – yet, I know that if I didn’t have a toddler in tow and I weren’t pregnant it wouldn’t seem like that much stuff (not to blame you Bella and Max, it‘s just a fact of life) – anyway, I feel like I have so much stuff going on right now that I can’t make time for even a little party. Soooo not like me.

Maybe this birthday is a little depressing? I’ve never before batted an eye at the passing years. I’ve never really felt like I was getting any “older.” Until NOW. There’s just something about this year that is making me feel, well, oooolder. And not like in a good, I’m growing-up and I’m independent, kinda way. More like an, oh shit! My life is really passing me by! kinda way. The days are getting shorter and I’m getting closer to death! Well, I guess every day we live is technically one day closer to death – but I’ve never looked at it like that, before. I feel this overwhelming need to write out all my goals so I don’t forget about them (old age tends to make you forget stuff) and so I make sure I accomplish them.

I didn’t even tell any of my newer friends that I had a birthday coming up. I was too afraid that they’d (especially one in particular) insist on having a party. Though I’d be honored by the gesture, I’d also be mortified at the idea of celebrating. Weird, hua?


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I hate these six day stretches Hal works. Essentially, it means I also work a six day stretch. I wish he could just have every weekend off. Sure, the 3 day weekend every-other-week is nice, but I think I’d like it better if he had two days off every week, instead. Anyway, enough bitching about that.

On to the next bitchfest…

I realize that Max is only two and that a lot of his behaviors that are difficult to deal with are just a natural part of being a two year old. However, for some reason, when he vomits it gets my blood boiling hotter than anything else he does. He hardly eats anything healthy (so it seems) so when I do get him to munch on something of nutritional value, I’d like for him to keep it down.

We had a snack today that consisted of sliced apples, peanut butter, and cheese slices. He loved it and ate it like there was no tomorrow. Then, he started jumping around and doing summersaults which led to the inevitable up-chuck. I shouldn’t have let him eat his snack in the living room. I should have tied him to his highchair. Clearly, it was my fault he couldn’t hold his food down. But, damn, I got so pissed at HIM. I raised my voice and was obviously angry that I had to clean up the vomit from three different locations. While I did feel bad for “blaming” him, I didn’t waste to much time feeling guilty over it. Within minutes he was back to his playful self and I spent the next hour on the floor reading and playing with him. I always go back and forth from wondering how much frustration is okay for me to show?

One thing I make a conscious effort to not do is use my anger to frighten him. I’m beginning to think it’s okay for him to see me frustrated as long as I’m not using anger to direct his behavior. This is all so complicated.

After our hour or so of playtime (we also were at the library this morning for about two hours), he had a difficult time letting me get the house work done. Well, to his credit, he spent about two hours today playing by himself. But, you know, that just isn’t enough! Like a broken record of his favorite song, all he sung was, “mommy want num-nums.” The one or two times I gave in and nursed him, he latched on – I kid you not – for about 10 seconds on each nipple. Then, he was off playing again. Geeze.

My aunt and uncle sent Bella a package filled with girly clothes. I always thought, “no little girl of mine will be dressed in pink everyday!” But, those little pink onsies are just so cute. I got a little teary-eyed looking through all the stuff they sent. Only two more months to go!

*Edit* After much thought, I do feel it is okay to show frustration in front of my kids. However, there is a fine line between showing frustration and making it seem like it is your kid’s fault that you’re frustrated. It may seem really easy to blame them, like I did with Max today, but in reality whether or not I become frustrated is totally up to me. I’m afraid that how I reacted towards Max when he threw up is not something I can condone in the future. I guess I’m still learning!

What’s done is done. Live and learn, that’s all ya can do. I’m not a huge proponent of guilt.

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