I’m getting agitated with all the well meaning advice to my depression problem – and it has only been two days since I started talking about it. I’ve never been so annoyed by people who are just trying to “care” for me. I feel like such a bitch. I know my friends want to help but really, the only help they can give me is empathy or sympathy. If one more person tells me to go for a walk I’m going to shoot THEM in the head. Exercise may help… if I was able to do it. It may help to get out of the house… if I was able to do it. Should I feel even more depressed because I can’t??? Physical activity and RA do NOT mix well. Its hard for people to “get” that I am in pain all the time and moving is a risky venture.
I love that my friends and Hal are concerned because it means that they love me. However, I kinda think people take it personally when they can’t get a depressed person to “feel better.” Or rather, they take it too personally when they do. And so what – I’m depressed, possible PPD, it happens. I know it is only temporary. Gawd, I can’t wait until my first session with the therapist. In the mean time, thanx for listening to me gripe.
And now one of my mama friends who doesn’t know me very well (and visa-versa) – someone who I haven’t known for very long – is calling me all the time to “check on me.” She is well meaning and I’m being too harsh and judgmental, I know. What can I say, I’m also very cranky. She told me that she too is having difficulty with depression and is at the point where she feels like she needs to do something about it. Her efforts to help me are backfiring because its only making me feel bad. She is so giving and caring towards me but I keep the gigantic wall up and don’t return the concern for her wellbeing. I am such a jerk. I just really need her to stop calling all the time without taking it personally. A phone call every few days is enough, really. Again… I know… sounding like a total bitch.
I actually feel a bit better today than I did yesterday… believe it or not. I think just “announcing” that I’m not feeling good is helpful. I have made contact with a psychotherapist who was recommending to me by a friend who’s partner is also a psychotherapist – so their recommendation seems hopeful.
This experience is making me think about how I deal with other people I love being depressed.
This is my first brush with depression where I actually know that what I’m going through is called *depression.* Doesn’t make it hurt any less but it makes it seem more manageable – like giving it a name means there is a way to get through it. It also helps me to not lash out at people – even though I’ll still lash in the form of journal writing. Anyway, rambling now… thanks if you are still reading.
PS – low and behold, not even 30 mins after typing this, my overly concerned friend called again. I answered the phone this time and found out she was calling to tell me how helpful she finds walking. You know, she says, you can just throw Max in the stroller and Bella in the sling and go for a 45min to an hour walk every day! When she stopped talking long enough for me to get a word in I reminded her of my RA and she said, “Oh God, just kick me in the butt for being so insensitive. I am so sorry.” She made me laugh and I offered to punch her in the face or shoot her in the head, instead. I think she was a little unsure of my tone. We hung up on good terms, though – no harm done – I hope.
Man, I can be such a shit when I’m down.
I just don’t answer my phone. Glad your feeling somewhat better.
Michelle – YES! Once again you are right… I shouldn’t answer my phone, either. Can we say… gluten for punishment??? *sigh*
I have, however, recently taken a liking to unplugging the phone altogether. :).
Don’t answer the phone!!! Yes!!! But maybe you do still have hope for help on the other end of the line…even though it’s useless.
Depression sucks but it’s also very comfortable in a weird way. Love you.