Archive for the ‘Death’ Category

Grieving the loss of a friend.

I do have many wonderful things happening in my life right now but feel like I need to get something else out…

There is a thick fog – it calls me like a beacon while pushing others away.
Silently you sit deep within.
I know you are shouting but I can’t see the right words and you are sitting so still.
Through the numbness I hear you speaking to me, laughing with me, reminiscing with me.
I want to see you again,
to know who you have become,
to know that you have become.
I wish for you to become the woman I thought you’d be.
The woman we talked about you being.
In silence I wait for your visits welcoming the short bursts of your stay.
I cry in grief when the fog rolls into place.
I will never forget the woman that I loved even though I left her too many years ago.
Even though long before I left, she left me.

My birthday is coming up. So is Monica’s. She was exactly two years and one month older than me. Her son’s birthday just passed on October 17th. I can’t believe that I am so sad. I know that might sound dumb but grieving is new to me and is catching me off guard.

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What a day.

Yesterday was a much better day in my house.

I gave myself permission to come off of seizure watch with Oscar and was able to *relax.* This inevitably led to an enjoyable day with Max. As much as I’d like to blame my frustrations (including his first spanking) on his toddler behavior, I know good and well that the frustration I experience comes solely from within. It comes from my inability to manage feelings of anger, sadness, and stress. I’m working on it, though.

We got along like old times because I was able to give him more attention (which is all he ever wants from his mama). We played with his toys on and off all day and outside in the pool for about two hours – sans the baby monitor which I had previously been plugging in outside so I could keep an ear out for Oscar. We kept so busy that Bossman didn’t want to take a nap. I felt a tiny bit bad about not checking on Oscar every ten minutes but I knew how he was doing – and it wasn’t good.

Oscar had been having petite mal seizures regularly since Monday afternoon. The medications he was taking should have totally stopped his seizures as well as the pacing around the living room – had he been epileptic. He was afraid of us all day Tuesday, Wednesday and today. It was as if he didn’t recognize us. Yesterday, he didn’t bark when Hal came home from work. Today, Hal and I took him to the vet and let him go. He lost control of his bowels after one of the many seizures that he had on the drive to the vet. I lost it as the doctor (who was also crying) put him to sleep then administered the second dose of meds to terminate his life. Hal couldn’t be in the room for the second dose. So yeah, we are pretty sad right now but I know we did what was best for Oscar.

We are sending his body to Texas A & M University – College of Veterinarian Medicine. And as I have heard others say before, but never thought I’d have a reason to say it… I hope that our loss helps someone else. The doctor who is in charge of this research was so beautiful and kind over the phone when I spoke to her about Oscar. She will be sending us the results of the work they do on him and his ashes after he is cremated.

There are two upsides to our loss… 1.) I will be less stressed-out everyday and 2.) We know for certain Bella has a dander allergy because her body flared up with eczema while we were at the vet’s office. We put two and two together because we remembered that after Oscar’s first major seizure, when he was urinating everywhere, her skin started to get badly out of control. It was noticeable because we *thought* we had it under control when this happened. Time to have the carpets cleaned. With any luck, her skin will heal up quickly.

R.I.P Oscar. We love you.



To end this on a high note… I took Max and Bella to Mote Marine this morning. A friend of mine with a son Max’s age helped me get around with both kids.

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I wanted to go into more detail about what I meant when I said, “I have realized in a big way that “adjusting” to having two kids is not about me but about helping Max adjust.

I have found that having a second baby is not as difficult as I thought it would be. I have that feeling of, been there done that, when it comes to Bella. In fact, it is even easier this time around having an infant than it was the first time. All she does is poop, eat, and sleep. Oh, occasionally she cries to let me know that I need to attend to her needs. Now, with Max, this is all new territory. I’ve had to learn how to set new boundaries with him, teach him how to touch his baby sister, and help him to adjust to sharing ME with Bella. Every new parenting challenge has been set by Max’s needs and me having to figure them out. As Bella grows, I’ll face the challenges of figuring out her personal needs as well. Some of her needs will be drastically different than Max’s were at the same age. However, right now, in her infant stage – she’s pretty easy. Well, that was a lot easier for me to explain than I thought it would be.

Nursing News:

I’m down to nursing Max before and after naps and when he wakes up in the morning. Nursing him less hasn’t made me like it any more. I’m still gritting my teeth and barely bearing it. One reason I can’t stand it anymore is because Max, being the toddler that he is, can not sit still as he nurses. In fact, the only time he can sit still is when he is sleeping. Another reason… I just want to see some actual steps to getting my body back. I’m working on it… I envision Max being completely weaned within the next two months.

Grieving News:

I mostly mourn the loss of my friend while by myself. I don’t want Max to see me crying. Sometimes I cry in Hal’s arms but mostly I’m alone. The pain is still as intense as it was the day I found out she died. However, I’m noticing that the crying is becoming less frequent. Memories just flood in uncontrollably and a deep feeling of loss and sadness follows.

Potty News:

Max is using the potty almost full-time, now! Woo Hoo! He still wears a nappy when we go out (I‘m not ready to brave the public restrooms with him, yet), during naps, and at night but other than that he uses the bathroom when he’s got to go. When he wants to go by himself he’ll look at me while standing at the bathroom door, hold his pointer finger up and say, “hold on one sec, I’ll be right back, mommy.” He’s getting so big.



Bella is growing fast, too.

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The last two weeks have been difficult but survivable. I’m still having issues with RA in my right hand. Last week was tough because there was that whole waiting period between finding out my friend died and burying her. I was not very present in my parenting and Max acted out A LOT in order to get my attention. Saturday was the funeral and I had to take Bella with me. Everything was fine and I’m happy that I took her but the funeral wasn’t any less painful. All day Saturday it felt like I was in zombie land. Saturday night, Max took a dive down our wooden staircase. We are so lucky that all he got from the fall was a black eye. And he still has no fear of the stairs.

I sent this venting letter to three people on Monday:

I am having a horrible day with Max. I was on the phone talking to Ian (Monica’s boyfriend) and apparently I was on the phone too long and it pissed Max off. Though, instead of telling me how he felt (like he would – he’s only two!) he pulled Bella out of her swing. I was walking around while on the phone and I heard Bella let out a death cry. When I ran into the living room she was on the floor and Max was standing over her. She didn’t get hurt but it scared the shit out of me. Hal, you opened the bar on the baby swing and didn’t lock it back, so Max was able to just lift it up and pull Bella out. Grrrr. Needless to say, I was off the phone in a heart beat. Then, later, Bella pooped and Max threw up at the same time. THEN, while I was in the process of cleaning up the vomit – letting Bella cry in the crib with a poopy diaper – Max walked through the vomit. I made him go to his room and now I had two babies crying. THEN, Max was almost a good boy by pooping on the potty but it didn’t quite make it in there. When he slid of the seat the poop slid on the seat. As I was cleaning him up in the tub… he started playing with the poop with his foot. I got so mad at him. I feel horrible. I slapped his butt. THEN, he pooped on the floor in our bedroom.

It’s gotta get better, right? I have realized in a big way that “adjusting” to having two kids is not about me but about helping Max adjust.

It has actually had time to heal a bit in this pic. It was worse before:

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Morbid Much?

Why do I feel responsible in some way for Monica’s death? Intellectually, I know it has nothing to do with me but emotionally and intuitively I feel like if I’d kept in touch with her this wouldn’t have happened. Was she reading my blog? Did she know I was pregnant? Was she upset because I didn’t call her when Bella was born? Was she upset that she wasn’t invited to the birth? Was she upset that I didn’t tell her I was pregnant? Did she think that I was never going to speak with her again and that she had, “lost me” as a friend? Was her overdose intentional and in anyway about me? That sounds so egotistical to her myself say but I can’t help but to wonder. And I’ll never know. Her own boyfriend, the father of her son, did not even know that Monica and I had gotten into a fight and that was the last time we spoke. She never mentioned it to him. There is a lot of things she never told him. Things she would only tell me. Things I will never repeat.

My last interaction with her was filled with annoyance.

I spoke with her sister on the phone to find out about the services. I’m feeling paranoid that everyone secretly blames me for not being a good enough friend to Monica. After all, I was her *only* friend. I was the one person she could speak honestly and openly with. I know her darkest secrets. I have been Monica’s only close friend since we first met. She would even get jealous when I had other friends, pining to make certain she was still my “best” friend. I’m paranoid that her family will think that had she been present at Bella’s birth the night before, none of this would have happened. Hell, I think that.

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I’m trying to stay on top of these feelings. I’ve never mourned the loss of a loved one so this is all strange to me. It literally feels like there is a hole in my heart. I want to spend the day crying but can’t because Max will become distraught seeing me like that. I’ve cried a few times in front of him and he appropriately empathizes with me (he cries, too), comforts me (by saying, “it’s okay, mommy”) and tries to make me laugh (fart noises and funny faces – that always does the trick in our house). I must admit, his responses make me proud – like I must be doing something right with him.

It’s not his job to take care of me so I always say, “mommy is sad right now, mommy’s friend died but mommy will be okay. I love you.” Then I give him lots of hugs and kisses. After all that he says, “you feel better, mommy?” And I say, yes. Mostly, I’m hiding the tears but when I get on the phone with friends and family its harder to hold them back. I’m not looking forward to the funeral. That sounds stupid to say… who ever looks forward to a funeral?

I started pumping milk last week so have a good supply in the freezer. Friday, we’ll do a trial run with the bottle. I’ll leave the house to get some chalk board paint and Hal will stay home with Bella (maybe Max, too) and try to give her a bottle. Hopefully she’ll take it because I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t. I have to go to Monica’s funeral on Saturday.

Max and Bella are sleeping. I need to let the dogs out then call Monica’s parents. I’ll post pictures of my kids later… Bella just keeps getting cuter and cuter everyday. Those two, they really lift my spirits.

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