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Archive for the ‘Dogs’ Category

It has finally hit Camus that Oscar is gone. He is in a state of depression. Poor Camus.

Two nights ago, I had my first dream [ever] with Oscar in it. Usually, Camus is the one in my dreams. That morning when I got up, Camus was sleeping in the living room instead of in the bedroom with Hal and Max, where he normally sleeps. I think that is when the grief of Oscar’s death really hit him, two nights ago. I wonder if Camus can smell Oscar’s ashes that are currently sitting on one of our bookshelves by this computer? Hm. We need to bury Oscar.

Fixin’ stuff…

There is nothing I can’t stand more than when a carpenter uses his Christian faith as the reason I should trust him. Every handyman person we have had has done this and every one of them did poor quality work, unfinished work, or just plain took our money and did no work. Telling me you are Christian automatically disqualifies you from working in my home.

We are still looking for someone to fix our bathroom. I am not hiring anyone who doesn’t meet all of my very reasonable requirements:

  • Reasonably priced
  • Knowledgeable
  • Insured
  • Able to complete the work within a weeks time
  • Doesn’t tell me his faith and how that outlines his work ethics

Today…

sucketh. Yeah, one of those days, today was. You know, one of those days when reading on-line mama blogs makes me want to write to the author and tell them just how superficial I think their blog is. Or, grrrr, how I feel like some of the more popular blogs do a disservice to the day to day realities of parenting as a woman… a woman who sometimes feels isolated, unnoticed, bored, useless… and needs to know that other moms go through the same shit… and are also still relatively happy. Other moms like meeeeee, fooooor example.

Yeah, one of those days.

It’s a good thing I already know other moms have shitty days, too. But I can’t lie, misery loves company… it would be nice to read about those kinds of days on other blogs, too.

I realized after reading this… that I have complained without any detail as to how my day was and what made it sucketh… and you know… I just don’t have the energy to get into details. This, I’m sure, is why many of moms who blog don’t always lay out their shitty days just for memory’s sake. I will say, however, that Max is so lucky that I love him and that he is cute as a button.

Yeah, one of those days.

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Ashes

We received Oscar’s ashes in the mail on Tuesday. He did have pug dog encephalitis.

I wasn’t ready for Hal to tell me the news of his arrival. Tears, memories, and intense feelings of loss and relief flushed over me. I cried hard for Oscar’s suffering. I did, however, feel better about euthanizing him. He may have lived another few weeks the most at the rate this disease was taking him – but he would have suffered so much more. We did what was most humane. I know that, now.

The day we decided to let Oscar go…

That morning when I left my house to take the kids somewhere that I can’t remember, I made the call on my cell to the vet’s office. I had to tell them we were going to kill our dog. I didn’t use those words, but that is how I felt about it. They were able to get us in on the same day, it was a Friday, to put Oscar to sleep. After hanging up the phone, a flutter of intense emotions rushed through my body. These were the same painful fluttering feelings that I experienced while driving to work the morning we found out I was pregnant with Max. The same exact feelings. I can’t even put words to it. I don’t understand it. I was happy about being pregnant with Max. I wanted Max. I did not want my dog to die.

Now, I’m left wondering if life and death are really that different?

Oscar turned four years old the day after his first seizure. We had more time with him than most people whose pups suffered the death of PDE. We are feeling very fortunate to have been able to experience so much time with Oscar.

Letting Oscar go was painful. Watching his body become lifeless tore a hole in my heart. I realized as I watched him die, just how much I loved him. I had no idea I could love a dog that much. I’m sorry that I had to find out this way.

His death was a gift. I will always love him. He will always be in my heart. How can you miss someone who is for-ever with you? Every animal that I love after him will be his presence in my heart.

He will also be in our back yard under a fruit tree I have yet to pick out. Right next to the fruit tree we are going to plant over Bella’s placenta. Hal suggested planting one tree over the two items, Bella’s placenta and Oscar’s ashes… I’m not too keen on that idea… but the sentiment was appreciated.

Oh sweet Oscar, thank you for being in my life. I love you so much.

In happy news…

Look! I am a contributor to an upcoming anthology on natural childbirth! I am so incredibly honored and excited to be a part of this important publication. Thank you, the spirit of the river, for letting me know about this project! And of-course, congratulations to you as well for being a contributor. I love your writing!

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Life goes on, eh?

I took a bath with Max last night and just like when he was a baby, the first thing he wanted to do once he faced me was latch on and nurse. I didn’t have the energy or desire to push him away so I nursed him with love and warmth. He kept asking me, “mommy, why are you taking a bath with me?” And I’d answer him, “because you wouldn’t let me take a shower by myself.” After our bath, which was relaxing and sweet – I showered alone and let the water wash over the numbness I’d been feeling all day since having watched Oscar die.

It’s been quite in my house today. No panting, no snorting/snoring, and very little barking. Our house feels just a little empty without Oscar making all his sweet pug noises.

My disposition has improved for the better. I’m glad that storm is over.

Max declared today that he looooves babies. I kind of thought this to be the case before he said something because he can not give Bella enough kisses. Always with the kisses.

Bella is lifting her head up during her tummy time and those little pudgy legs of hers are kicking away in anticipation of their first crawl. She also started saying, “dadadadadada.” The first time she said it Hal and I were both with her and Hal said with the excitement of a win, “YES!” We laughed because I had been trying to get her to say, “mama mama” first.

I know I said that when Camus leaves us we “WILL BE” dog free for a while, but I can’t really see that happening. However, I think from now on we will be a one dog family. Camus seems ambivalent about his friend’s absence. A pug’s true loyalty is to it’s human companion.

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What a day.

Yesterday was a much better day in my house.

I gave myself permission to come off of seizure watch with Oscar and was able to *relax.* This inevitably led to an enjoyable day with Max. As much as I’d like to blame my frustrations (including his first spanking) on his toddler behavior, I know good and well that the frustration I experience comes solely from within. It comes from my inability to manage feelings of anger, sadness, and stress. I’m working on it, though.

We got along like old times because I was able to give him more attention (which is all he ever wants from his mama). We played with his toys on and off all day and outside in the pool for about two hours – sans the baby monitor which I had previously been plugging in outside so I could keep an ear out for Oscar. We kept so busy that Bossman didn’t want to take a nap. I felt a tiny bit bad about not checking on Oscar every ten minutes but I knew how he was doing – and it wasn’t good.

Oscar had been having petite mal seizures regularly since Monday afternoon. The medications he was taking should have totally stopped his seizures as well as the pacing around the living room – had he been epileptic. He was afraid of us all day Tuesday, Wednesday and today. It was as if he didn’t recognize us. Yesterday, he didn’t bark when Hal came home from work. Today, Hal and I took him to the vet and let him go. He lost control of his bowels after one of the many seizures that he had on the drive to the vet. I lost it as the doctor (who was also crying) put him to sleep then administered the second dose of meds to terminate his life. Hal couldn’t be in the room for the second dose. So yeah, we are pretty sad right now but I know we did what was best for Oscar.

We are sending his body to Texas A & M University – College of Veterinarian Medicine. And as I have heard others say before, but never thought I’d have a reason to say it… I hope that our loss helps someone else. The doctor who is in charge of this research was so beautiful and kind over the phone when I spoke to her about Oscar. She will be sending us the results of the work they do on him and his ashes after he is cremated.

There are two upsides to our loss… 1.) I will be less stressed-out everyday and 2.) We know for certain Bella has a dander allergy because her body flared up with eczema while we were at the vet’s office. We put two and two together because we remembered that after Oscar’s first major seizure, when he was urinating everywhere, her skin started to get badly out of control. It was noticeable because we *thought* we had it under control when this happened. Time to have the carpets cleaned. With any luck, her skin will heal up quickly.

R.I.P Oscar. We love you.

 

 

To end this on a high note… I took Max and Bella to Mote Marine this morning. A friend of mine with a son Max’s age helped me get around with both kids.

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All I really have to say is that I hate my life right now. It is a true conundrum… I love my kids and my dogs but I feel so miserable spending every day with them.

I hope sending Max to preschool helps me to feel better about the time I do spend with him. He is just so difficult right now. Corporal punishment goes through my mind every day, but I stave off the actions that could easily follow those thoughts. Being a loving, kind, gentle mama is not my goal right now – surviving with brain and dignity intact is.

Liz came for a visit on Sunday bearing fresh banana bread. Max asked her to “help” him use the potty – even though he knows how to do it by himself. I think Max has a little crush on Liz. Hell, what human being wouldn’t???

I read Monica’s last journal entry about me, yesterday. I now know that ending our friendship was the right thing to do. She pretty much hated me.

Oscar was taken to the emergency room, again, last Thursday and all his meds were increased. We are still in the “wait and see” mode as to whether or not he has pug encephalitis. I’m trying to get a little Ari Gold in me and not feel so attached to Oscar (so I can leave the house worry-free). *Fucking dog is costing us too much money, if he doesn’t get better we are putting that pooch down!* When both our dogs leave us, we WILL be pet free for a while.

Max is in the “why” stage of learning and while some of his “why questions” are fun, most of the time they are just plain annoying.

Sometimes, my favorite part of the day is bedtime story time – when everyone sits and listens together. Though, the night I took this picture… Max wasn’t listening very well.

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As I was folding a load of the kid’s clothes, I heard Max ask, “Mommy, what’s Oscar doing?” I looked down at my feet where he was last laying, not touching me, and he was shaking.

“Oscar is having a seizure, Max.”

“Oh.”

I rushed to the kitchen counter to grab Oscar’s Valium and waited for him to stop seizing. He was shaking for about 20-30 seconds. I tried to give him the Valium twice before finally figuring out that I needed to wrap it in peanut butter before cramming it into his tightly closed mouth. He’s been sleeping since the Valium took affect and I’ve been a complete wreck. Max, an inspiration, is totally unaffected.

I spoke with someone at Pug Rescue, today, who will be putting me in touch with other pug owners whose dogs have epilepsy. I need some practical support from other people and I need to know how to take care of the “new” Oscar. Though, I’m also considering the option of giving Oscar up for adoption with Pug Rescue. The decision rests mostly on my shoulders because it is me who is most affected by his condition. Not to say that Hal isn’t affected, but he is not the one home alone for nine hours a day with both kids and both dogs. I’m not ready to make this decision. The very thought of giving up or loosing Oscar scares both Hal and I into tears every time we try to talk about it. I need some time to figure out what I can handle and what I can do. As it stands right now, I live in perpetual fear that Oscar will need to be rushed to the hospital or worse, die before I can take him there. I know that this kind of responsibility is par for the course when you have pets which is why I’m reluctant to “give up” on him.

I just want to be able to relax, again.

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Had a pretty ordinary day today. Hung out, baked brownies, played outside. Oh, and went to therapy this morning – that was anything but ordinary now that I think about it.

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