Thanksgiving & Sewing

Thanksgiving was a real treat this year. We went over to the in-laws and brought a ton of veggie dishes with us. Hal made: Tofurky with gravy, roasted potatoes, & carrots, Waldorf salad, a fancy cranberry sauce with pineapple & mandarin oranges, and a homemade macaroni & cheese casserole. I made homemade zucchini bread. Then, Hal’s family had all sorts of yummy foods there that we could eat. It’s times like these that make it hard for me to imagine not living close to family. I really enjoy the eventfulness of going over there every Sunday and especially the holidays. I mean, I know it seems like I complain ALL THE TIME about my MIL, but really, I’m just venting. I love Hal’s family and really feel they are my own and I am their’s.

There are two main reasons I prefer Hal’s family gatherings over my family’s. 1.) there are usually enough people around that we actually get a break from minding Max. This means we can eat together and enjoy our food as well as rest after we’ve eaten. At my family’s house Hal and I have to constantly keep after Max (who loves to get into everything – as if I actually need to clairify that). Having to keep on top of Max makes for a stressful and less than relaxing visit. And, 2.) my dad’s wife (whom I actually really like) smokes in the house. If it were just Hal and I, it wouldn’t be a problem. I grew up in a house with a smoker so it doesn’t really bother me to be around it every-once-in-a-while. But, I do not want my kids stuck in a house with a smoker – not even for a few hours. I have asked that she not smoke while we are there and I don’t know if she just forgot or what, but the last time we were over she lit one up while sitting on the couch. I mean, it is her house and all, but, still. I’m pregnant! My son is two!

We skipped Thanksgiving at my family’s house this year (not for either of the two reasons above) because it was just too damn much for us to hit two house in one day, plus prepare food, plus make sure Max got his nap. They seemed to understand.

Well, nothing really exciting to report tonight. Oh, except I started to sew my curtains! I decided to do it at grandma’s house so I could call her in the room for help when needed. It’s a good thing I did go over there because she practically couldn’t leave my side long enough to pee before I needed her again. Yeah, I’m pretty inept when it comes to sewing. But damn it, I’m determined! It will take a while but when I’m done, ya know I’ll be posting pics.

Read Full Post »

Why winter isn’t loving me this year…

Yay!!! Hal has the next five days off from work!!! Woo hoo!!!!

Yes, that is my belly.

I would love to be able to say that the recent shift in climate here in this normally hot-as-hell state has given me a new zest for life. I would love to say that the crisp cool air that glides over my skin invigorates my bones to dance and seize the day. I would love to report all of this and a list of other positive associations towards the cooler weather we are having. But, and that is a big fat BUT, Winter is just not doing it for me. It’s not Winter’s fault, though. It’s my body’s doing.

Normally, I would get a burst of creative (and other types) of energy this time of year. However, my vitality is focused inward to build this baby. And let me tell you, it takes almost all of my reserves to do this. I have never felt so tired in my life. Just getting out of bed is work. My bones are aching and soar both from pregnancy and RA. I can’t sleep well because no matter how I position this body, it eventually starts to weigh too much and cause pain somewhere. Not to mention I need to get out of bed at least every 2-3 hours to empty the ol’ tiny bladder. True, I am very grateful that it is not hot outside because my body temperature alone could melt an iceberg. But, hands-down, this pregnancy has been more demanding on spirit and body than my pregnancy with Max. I am fully looking forward to giving birth – well, sort-of.

I did have a mini panic attack, again, thinking about labor. Sometimes when I contemplate it, not even willingly (it just pops into my head) I get REALLY nervous about the rushes. There are things I should be doing right now to prepare but haven’t made a priority – which is obviously a problem and really needs to be addressed. I have meditation tapes to listen to that both my midwife and a good friend gave to me. Their purpose is to help prepare the mind and body for the demands of labor by teaching me how to remain focused and relaxed.

Note to self: START LISTENING TO TAPES TODAY.

I spent most of yesterday just playing with Max. He is my little super genius who loves to play with his building blocks…

And he loves music, too…

Welp, off I go. We are heading out to Whole Foods to shop for Thanxgiving stuff.

Read Full Post »

i was in survival mode, today.

Thank the stars Hal only works two days this week then has five days in a row off.

I had a doctors appointment at 11am and *stupidly* thought I could take Max with me. After about 10 minutes of doing damage control in the waiting room then 30 minutes of running around with him outside (all of this while waiting to get into a room), I decided I’d had enough. I rescheduled the appointment for next Monday so I could leave Max with the in-laws.

We then went to the park. I knew I should have pee’d before we left the doctors office but *stupidly* didn’t. After running around with Max at the park for 30 minutes my tiny bladder started to hurt. It has been decided that 30 minutes at the playground is NOT enough time for Max. He was not ready to go. It took me another 45 minutes to get him into the car. Half of that time I sat in the car behind the driver’s seat while he crawled all around the back seat both exploring and looking for an escape route. He threw the BIGGEST fit about having to get into his seat and kicked my already in pain arthritic hand nearly bringing me to tears. I actually do not have the physical strength to force him into his car seat – believe me, I tried. A part of me wanted to slap the shit out of him just to bring him into submission. But, I withheld, and continued to hold my urine. I ended up tricking him into the car seat by singing a ridiculous and obnoxious song which had him staring at me like, “what’s going on, mom?” Once he realized he was buckled in (I was like, mwoohahhahaa!) he started thrashing around and throwing another fit. The car was moving for maybe five minutes before he was out like a light.

I then went through the BK drive-thru and ordered a small chocolate milkshake, large fries, and a BK veggie burger. I took the long way home so I could eat in peace. Sitting down made my bladder hurt less. When we got to the house he woke from his car nap and started crying, again, about wanting to go to the playground. We got upstairs and he proceeded to throw another lovely temper tantrum. I finally pee’d and hardly anything came out. I had another appointment with a handyman friend of mine that I had to cancel because I was just not up for company at this point. Max kept crying and couldn’t decide between the playground or num-nums. All I could give him was num-nums. Thank God my kid likes to take naps. I nursed him to sleep and we both napped for three hours.

I just went back and read this mundane description of my day and felt robotic while reading it. Well, that pretty much sums up how I made it through the day.

Read Full Post »

More MIL Bizarreness.

My MIL always says the weirdest stuff to Hal and I. We went over to their house last night and the first thing she said when we saw her was, “so, where have you been hiding Max all week?” Then, she proceeded to accuse us of keeping Max from her. She kept asking why we didn’t call them all week. Hal and I were like, um, it’s been six days since we last saw you guys… what on earth are you talking about??? When I left the room to diddle-dawdle on their computer in another room because I got tired of her comments she laid into Hal. “What?” she said, “Are you trying to turn Max against me?” She went on to warn Hal, “you know, when he’s five he’ll tell me everything.”

Hal thinks this is “normal” behavior – at least it is normal for her. I think it is a form of severe paranoia. Hal just shrugs her off and will say without any sound of conviction or adulthood in his voice, “you’re wrong.” He (quite understandably) doesn’t have the energy to attempt to convince her she is wrong and down right out of line. Hal knows her better than I do so I just let him deal with it. Well, I did tell her that Max and I were busy all week but that information went in one ear and out the other.

A couple of weeks ago MIL cornered Hal and demanded that he work on a menu for her shop (she is a business owner). He was offended by her approach and told her if she is going to ask him “like that” then he wasn’t going to do it. She then tried to use the fact that she spends time with Max as a bartering tool. As in, “well, I watch Max for you guys so you need to do this for me.” Um, I ask her to watch Max maybe once a month – like when I have a doctors appointment. The rest of the time she spends with Max isn’t about us needing her to watch him (though we do appreciate it and I make sure I tell her that) but rather about her needing to spend time with her grandson. Hal was (quite understandably) offended by her comment and asked her if watching Max was a burden to her. To which she replied, “well, I don’t like to stay in one spot for very long.”

Um, and you wonder why I don’t ask to drop him off with you during the week unless I absolutely NEED to??? But, she really didn’t need to say this to Hal for me to know that she sometimes finds it a burden to watch Max. Her attitude and body language towards me speaks volumes.

Well, of-course this morning when Hal called her to see if she wanted to take Max today she was like, “I always have time for Max. Bring him over at one.”

What is going on here???

I do love the woman but damn, she’s crazy.

In other In-Law news…

I’m so sad that my BIL told me him and O broke up last night. I hope that they can work out their issues and make it through their beginning years of figuring one another out. If they don’t make it, I’m going to keep in touch with her for two reasons – 1.) I really like her and 2.) I wan’t to know my nephew/niece and Max to know his cousin.

Read Full Post »

weaning update…

Max is doing well with the weaning process. The first night was tough but even then he didn’t cry. He just wined and tossed and turned and climbed all over me to find a position he could fall asleep in. Last night – night two – he fell asleep within ten minutes without even asking to nurse! I feel good about this decision to wean him now. And it’s nice that he is so accommodating… and ready – which I think is the real key to this going so smoothly. We’ll continue to work on morning, naps, and the afternoon “pop-in’s” but I’m not going to really focus on those nursing times until he is completely night weaned.

I’ve got about 4 loads of laundery that I want to get done, today. Tomorrow, Hal and I are purging some of our book collection. I’m tired of all the media clutter in our house.

I’ve started nesting.

Read Full Post »

I think i’m ready to admit… it’s time to start weaning Max.

Just today I was talking to a friend of mine about all the reasons why I don’t want to/am not ready to wean Max from nursing. I went on and on about my idealized perception of what I would like to happen and it goes something like this… my milk dries up in the seventh month of pregnancy and Max naturally weans himself. Or, he will miraculously decide one day that he’s a big boy and wants to stop on his own. “One day” meaning… soon. Heh. But, the reality is this… my milk dried up a month ago leaving my boobs with only colostrum and he still hasn’t given up on the num-nums. He just holds my nipple in his mouth and plays with it using his tongue. At this point, it’s just a way to be close to mommy because he’s not getting any milk out of me. And let me tell you… it’s annoying.

I realized after thinking about all the reasons I’d like to keep nursing Max that I probably shouldn’t keep nursing him. My reasons don’t match my reality. Our nursing relationship is just not working for me anymore. This will undoubtedly translate to it not being a pleasant experience for him. Every time he nurses I find that I’m correcting his latch, telling him (quite sternly) to open his mouth wider, and cutting the session short by saying, “no more.” It is ALWAYS an unpleasant experience for me and it has been this way for almost a month.

Tonight I helped him go to sleep without his beloved num-nums. The alternative to the waking-up-several-times nightly nursing sessions has been for Max to lay on top of num-nums. He’s now gotten to a point where he knows he won’t be getting any boob juice in the middle of the night. If he does wake up he either just falls back to sleep or asks to lay on top of me. However, he is getting to the point where he rarely wakes at all.

Well, I’m bringing that alternative to the beginning of our nightly routine and not letting him nurse to sleep. It was rough tonight and he was upset but eventually he fell asleep right in my arms laying next to me – without nursing. Tomorrow we’ll do the same thing with nap time. I think the last thing I’ll cut out is our morning nursing session because I think that will be the easiest for him but hardest for me. Easy for him because I can offer food instead and hardest for me because that means I will probably have to get up between 6-7am. Unless, I can get Hal to get up and feed him. Which is very realistic.

My goal is to have Max fully weaned by the end of December.

And then my boobs will have a break before Bella gets here.

The thought of it is just titillating!

Read Full Post »

I hit a wall today.

Today I reached a point around 5pm when I felt like I was going to snap. It seems like, “mommmeeeee, mommmmmeeeee, pick-up, pick-up, I want num-nums, I want num-nums” was a broken record scratching a chalkboard and beating me upside the head all at once. He has shit on the carpet and frolicked through it, dug out the dirt in my potted plant while sitting on the kitchen table, and pee’d all over the floor several times today. While I don’t react to Max based on my feelings of frustrtion, annoyance, and downright anger… in my head I am very looooudly cussing him out. My trucker mouth invades the front of my brain and every four-letter word I can think of is processed as he wines. After doing this for some time I get to another point where I can stop hating him and respond. It is a painful process but it’s better than beating him. I’m still hating this day as I type, Max is still repeating his mantras, and can not wait for Hal to get home. Unfourtunatly for me, tonight is Mr. Harmon’s late night at work. Blasted. I wish we could afford daycare.

Read Full Post »

Thinking About Labor…

My doula, Nancy Rae, is teaching a Birthing Within birth preparation class every Wednesday night at the Rosemary Birthing Home. I wasn’t sure what I’d get out of going but knew I needed to go. Up until now, there hasn’t really been a space for me to explore my feelings about this impending labor. Even at my prenatal appointments I just can’t get into the mode of thinking about it. The environment of a class with other women who are also pregnant has created this much needed space.

You’d think that since I had such an amazing birth experience with Max that I wouldn’t even need to ponder what this labor will be like, hua? Having been through natural childbirth once has given me the courage and confidence I need to birth Bella naturally but it isn’t a guarantee that every thing will go smoothly. Having said that, I am very positive that all will happen as it is meant to be but I’m not so presumptuous to believe that it will be the same or better than last time.

Every birth experience is different and since I now know more about birth I also know more about what it feels like and what could go wrong. It’s the unexpected “tigers” that may crop up during labor that I want to be able to fight and/or flow with. For example, what if Bella is turned wrong and I have to do all these funky positions that don’t feel natural? What if she is breeched and I need to have a c-birth? If these things happen I don’t want to see it as a defeat or a negative but to be in the right mindset to do what I can to help her come out. In the case of a transfer, I want to know how to make her entrance into the world as gentle as possible.

These are things that never crossed my mind with Max. I was so open to what-ever may happen that I’m sure it would have been okay even if I had to transferr to a hospital. Last time I had no reason to think about what was coming up because I had no memory of labor. Now, I have a memory of labor and I don’t want that to get in the way of laboring with Bella. It’s just not going to be the same and no matter what happens (fast labor, slow labor, transfer to a hospital labor, perfect labor, what-eva), I need to be okay with what unfolds. To get to this place, I have to actually talk about my fears with other women who can relate.

I am looking forward to experiencing labor one more time despite the intense physical pain and all the “unknowns” that go along with it. It’s just really important that on some level I wipe the memory slate clean so that I can be open to this birth as an entirely new road. Damn, I can’t wait to meet BellaG.

My birth team this time around will be considerably smaller than the last time. With Max, I had four friends, Hal, my midwife, and her birth assistant. This time, it will be Nancy, Liz, Hal, and two midwives. My birth team reflects on the deepest level the intimacy I share with those involved.

Last time, (and I can only see this in hindsight) the folks I invited were there because I had certain hopes for the future of our relationship. With a couple of my then close friends, I instinctivly knew grounds with them were shaky. I think a part of me invited so many people in hopes that it would strengthen our bond and solidify in their mind how deeply I loved them. Well, that didn’t happen. On some level I regret inviting so many people but at the same time… at that time I was okay with it. I actually needed all of them there supporting me.

I’m a lot more confident in my social life now and am not afraid of loosing Liz because I have kids or because my needs will change – again. She will be there because she is my closest friend.

I had a really hard time deciding what I should do with Max during labor because I really believe he is not old enough to process what will happen. As it stands right now, Hal and I came to the decision that we will be taking him and our dogs over to my MIL’s house as soon as it seems reasonable to do so. After Bella is born either someone will go pick Max & doggies up or MIL will bring them home. If he were only a year older and sleeping in his own room this plan would be different. But, my gut tells me having him present wont work for him or my labor.

Read Full Post »

Crafts & Herbs

I’m going to try my hand at sewing. I got a sewing machine last Christmas and haven’t used it yet. Pretty lame, I know. My first project (and hopefully not the last) will be to sew curtains for Max and Bella’s bedroom. They will be sharing a room for a while so I had to find fabric that was gender neutral. Actually, I prefer gender neutral décor for their rooms even when they do have their own space. When they’re older they can do what they want but until then, momma’s going to keep the gaudy sports and princess stuff out of the house. Here is the fabric and hooks I choose:

And here is a pic of the colors that are in his room already. My friend, Reina, came over to our house before Max was born and put those stars up on the wall. I love em’. We’re getting rid of that dresser before Bella gets here. Notice how Max wisely pulled out the bottom drawer to use as a ladder.

I’m very excited about this project and at the same time scared to death that I’ll suck. I’ve never considered myself to be “crafty” on any level and usually make a big deal about not being as creative as all my friends. I grew up playing sports and wearing Miami Dolphin outfits for crying-out-loud! Sometimes I’m amazed at how I’ve managed to intertwined my life with such creative and earthy people. I also have this problem that if I’m not already fabulous at something I won’t do it. That is something I need to change and this project will be my stepping stone in learning to view the challenges of creating something new as a worth while endeavor.

While I was searching the store for the perfect fabric I got the feeling that this is the hardest part about sewing stuff – deciding on fabric. I went down every isle scouring each heap of prints as Max touched all the fabrics and exclaimed, “I like that! I like that!” Then I came to a small section of kid prints and found my curtains. As the elderly woman behind the counter helped me figure out how much I needed and proceeded to cut the yards I explained how this was my first sewing project. She was excited for me. When I said that picking the fabric was almost painful another woman said, “yeah, but when you find the right one you just know it.” I thought that was neat because that’s exactly how I felt. I shared a true crafty moment.

My other new interests these days is healing and nutritional herbs. After being sick on and off for the past month and a half and managing to not use antibiotics or over-the-counter meds for either Max or myself, something clicked. I realized that there is a whole world of ways in which I can heal our body without drugs. This is something I’ve always known but never pursued. The world of homeopathic medicine always seemed too overwhelming for me wrap my brain around but now I’m really getting interested in it.

My midwife has been a guide to introducing me to this way of thinking about healing. She gave me the best advice ever… she said that I shouldn’t feel the need to overwhelm myself with all the different herbs, roots, tonics, and other good things all at once. She advised to take things one item a time. Learn that plant, then move on to the next one. Simple advice is always the most profound when you really listen.

To strengthen my immune system I am taking Elderberry and Astragalus Root in the form of a tincture. About a teaspoon of each goes into my Oat Straw tea (which I drink once a day). It actually tastes good so I don’t mind. There are a lot of things I need to work into my diet and daily routine but I’m starting with these three things and will add something new when I feel using these items have become second nature.

The Elderberry and Astragalus root I’ll cut out of my routine as soon as I feel Max and I are out of arms reach of all these damn cold viruses. Then, I’ll pull them out only when we start to feel like a cold is coming on. Hopefully I can get Hal into this as well.

Read Full Post »

Today is Max’s 2nd Birthday… A Letter to My Son…

Dear Maxamilian,

You, my sweet baby boy are no longer a baby. You are two today. And, I can’t believe I am momma to such an amazing person! Yes, I am one lucky lady. Max, when you came into my life I had no idea how much you would change my world. You have been teaching me lessons that the years I lived before you had not even broached. You have given me a love that is untouched by any word I could choose to describe its power. You are my little Buddha in so many ways. I can only hope that as you grow I can return the gift.

My world as I knew it was flipped upside down and folded inside out the moment I went on the journey of labor with you. New and fantastic emotions blazed through each rush. A strange and celebrated world beamed through your eyes the instant we met. This morning, two years ago my son, I gave birth to you and you birthed a mother in me.

Since you joined our family making us “three” you have grown and changed so much. Your light within guides me graciously through every challenge that arises with mothering. At the same time, I lovingly hold you up as you tackle your own new skills each and every day. Each floret of knew knowledge, you have celebrated right along with me. I owe this life I’m living to you. Your perfect entrance into our world, your perfect first cry, the energy and awe that filled our bedroom that morning… still to this day moves me to tears of joy when I ponder it all. They are memories that will forever mark the beginning of a love I will always cherish so unspeakably deeply. How can such a small being bring so much love with him? What is your secret my dear son? I would like to give it to others.

You are no longer an infant or a baby (though you will always be my baby). You are walking, talking, and constantly showing me what it means to live both independently and symbiotically. You are a vibrant toddler. That inner fire of life – that I have never seen in any adult – burns so strong within you. When I look into your eyes I melt with feelings of gratitude and grace.

As a toddler, you have become insistent on doing everything on your own. “Me do,” is something I hear several times a day. This, undoubtedly, makes me so proud.

Time and time again you show your papa and I just how well you pay attention to what is going on around you and just how well you understand it all. You are starting to show a strong interest in music, language, art, nature, and other children. You love to sing and dance. Every morning I awaken to papa and you singing in the living room while moving your hands and body in rhythm to the words coming out of the speakers. Papa will probably be the one to cultivate a love for music in you. I tend to keep the house quite throughout the day.

Every day words grow from your lips like vines that plan to reach the sky. Papa and I read several books to you every day. Our morning routine is breakfast, singing, dancing, and then reading a few of your favorite books. No word is too difficult for you to tackle and just about no sentence is too complex for you to understand. Your intelligence amazes me every day.

Admittedly, your papa and I were a tiny bit worried for a while because we thought you were not speaking as early as you should be. Well, you showed us one night when you walked out into the living room and said to papa clear as the night’s deep blue sky, “where’d mommy go?” You were 20 months old. Now, language fascinates you. Momma really has to watch what she says!

For your second birthday papa and I are giving you an easel with a dry erase board on one side and a chalk board on the other side. We also made an art box for you that is filled with all kinds of fun art supplies. Now that you are starting to say “no” (sometimes) when I ask you if you want to watch Sesame Street (who’da thought that would ever happen???), we wanted to give you something creative to do with your hands, eyes, and mind.

Momma and papa are going to have to find a way to make a space for you outside. That is our goal for this year: to turn our back yard into a play area for you (and BellaGrace when she’s old enough to join you in outside play). Right now your love for nature shows in your fascination with animals. You even know what a sloth is!!! Momma and papa don’t buy an excessive amount of toys for you so we have to make the one’s we do buy really spectacular. Without fail, you love any toy that is animal oriented. I’m hoping this love for animals will make it easy for you to understand why we don’t eat them.

Ever since you turned 18 months old, you have consistently amazed me with how socially gentle and wise you are. You are the kind of child that other people love to be around. Once at the library a woman who also has a toddler told me that meeting you made her want to have another baby – and she is dead set on only having one child. That was the highest of high compliments a mama could ever get. And I have to say, having you made me want to have more children, too.

You are my big boy, now. And you make sure I know you’re not a baby anymore by telling me, “I not baby, I big boy.” Momma and papa love you so very much, Maxamilian.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

Love,

Momma

Read Full Post »